My Testimonial

I'm getting baptized soon and I had to write a testimonial of my journey. Here it is:

When I was growing up, I always felt like I had an aching hole in my heart that could never be filled. I thought it was because I never knew my father, who chose his drug habit over his family and left when I was a baby.

In my teen years, I turned to alcohol and men to try and fill that void, but of course, that only made me feel worse. When I wasn’t caught up with partying and bad relationships, I threw myself into what ever I was doing and turned into an overachiever.

I became pregnant during a bad relationship phase in my junior year of college. I felt hopeless and alone. Looking back, I can see how God made several attempts to reach me, but I was too busy with school and single-parenthood to pay attention.

I wouldn’t say I had a bad life. I turned things around for myself and started living a more moral life. I stopped partying and developed a healthy attitude toward relationships with men. I was a “good person,” yet I still felt so much guilt and shame for all of the things that I’d done in my youth. I kept myself too busy to think about it too much, but that feeling of inadequacy was always there.

I was looking for a radio station one day that my husband had told me about and accidentally stopped on the Christian music station Air 1. I wanted the kids to stop listening to the popular radio station because of the inappropriate language, so I decided that even though we were not Christians, we would try out this station for a while. We listened for months. I knew the words to most of the songs, but I was still not a Christian. I wasn’t even interested in becoming one.

Then one day, one of the songs grabbed me. The line said, “I exist for You.” I remember thinking, “What is it about Jesus that could make someone say such a bold statement as ‘I exist for You’?” With that, I started to learn more about Jesus. I remained skeptical for some time, but the more I sought Him the more He showed Himself to me.

I don’t know exactly when, but I eventually learned to turn to Jesus when I felt sad or alone or worthless or guilty. I experienced His love for me and felt His forgiveness. Now, even when I don’t feel Him, I have faith that He is there. I finally have forgiveness for and freedom from my past mistakes. Now that I have had this burden lifted, I can live my life with a greater purpose – to follow and serve Jesus Christ.